SwankxTAR: 2019

When you hear about Jamaica, more often times than not, it's in reference to our music, food, culture or our incredible people who have made some sort of global impact. What we don't talk about enough, in my humblest opinion, is our RUM! Recently, after visiting Appleton Estate's Rum Tour, newly rebranded as the Joy Spence Appleton Estate Rum Experience, I say this with even more conviction.

Even though I've already done this tour 3 times in the past, once last year and twice before it got a facelift in 2017, I couldn't resist going another time. My friend and fellow blogger Racquida (from www.theislanderspassport.com) made the suggestion to go since she had never been before, so we made a trip out of it and invited three other friends Yanique, Steven and Gabby.

Let me just get straight to the point: If you're in Jamaica, the Appleton Rum Tour is a MUST! We drove a little over 2 hours from Kingston to St. Elizabeth and it was definitely worth it. Even before you arrive on the property the experience begins with the vast fields of sugarcane crops that act almost like a fortress as you approach the estate. It was so stunningly scenic, and maybe this is because I was a history student but, I felt a sense of reverence as we drove by, with all things considered about the days of yore.

We arrived at around midday to a well needed welcome drink by the bar (rum included, of course). As we waited on our tour guide we could see the famous peacocks floating around the property through the glass window of the lounge. While this was my fourth time, the cool welcome and inviting atmosphere were as exciting as the very first time and I couldn't wait to get started.

I won't give you much details about the tour itself since I don't want to spoil it for you but you can expect to learn a lot about the history of rum-making, the process of making it today and how to appreciate it. The tour ends with a tasting (*wink wink*) of three of their rum blends; Signature, Reserve and Rare Blend. I would be remiss if I didn't mention how friendly and exceptionally knowledgeable the tour guides were. They made every part of the tour interactive and fun, all the while never missing a beat to provide more information where there were questions.

After the tour, you have the option to check out their gift shop where all their branded souvenirs and trinkets live. I loved how premium and authentically Jamaican the items were and I couldn't resist buying myself an Appleton branded Copper Mule mug for future rum-tivities (*grins*).

Apart from the gift shop, there is also a dining area where you can have lunch for only $1000 JM which also includes a (non-alcoholic) drink. You can choose between Jerk Chicken, Jerk Pork, Escoveitch Fish and for vegans, the chef would be happy to whip you up some curried chickpeas. For side dishes, there is (my fave) Rice and Peas as well as veggie salad and a yam salad. I assume you get a variation of this depending on when you go.

All in all, it was truly a day well spent. Rum is a part of our Jamaican experience as much as our music and food and I think Appleton does a phenomenal job at showcasing this. If you have never been before, I highly recommend making the trip to St. Elizabeth (and if you can stay a whole weekend I also suggest checking out Pelican Bar too.) I think I can speak for my friends when I say we all left in high spirits and wouldn't hesitate to partake in another round of the tour.

until next time......
Do Good, Dress Well

xTAR

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I don't always choose what I write, sometimes the ideas come to me and haunt me until I cave. This is one of those. I've never actually delve into relationship stuff and so I’ll preface this by saying I have no authority on this topic but for whatever reason the writers’ faeries have granted me permission to speak on the topic so here goes:

I've had 2 or 3 real breakups and this might be a biased observation but I generally handle this stuff well (enough -ish). When a relationship runs its course, I accept it and (make all efforts to) move on with my life as best as I can. Maybe it's pride, wanting to pacify the feeling of unwantedness by turning the page or my intuition that prepared me weeks or even months in advance with the knowing that it was only a matter of time before the chapter would close out. Either way, like anyone else I do feel sadness, sometimes loads but I try not to feed it too much. Admittedly this isn't always easy when suppressed feelings in my waking hours are replaced with annoyingly realistic dreams at nights about my ex (which happens a lot more frequently than I’d like to admit.) Beyond this, I choose to channel most of my energy into adapting to my new normal, which is likely credited to my optimism that something or someone better is ”out there” waiting for me. I know wishful thinking alone isnt enough for some and that optimism on its own won't get you through this rough patch so here are a few things that I believe will help you move on after a breakup:

Ex-Communicate

Many break-ups become a lot more tumultous than they need to be because there are no established boundaries. You have the uncomfortable talk and you say you're done but your actions are saying otherwise. The messages continues and so do the calls, prolonging stress and toxicity. Listen, your Cinderealla story didn't quite pan out as you imagined so it's time to channel a new Disney princess and ”Let it go.” Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you should become an ice princess and retreat to the mountains (though this isn't a bad idea) nor should you be bitter and completely cut the person out of your life however you have to create some breathing space to assess your mess. Some people are worth fighting for and others just aren't but you’ll never gain true clarity about this until the smoke clears. Grant yourself some headspace.

People are like cities
You live in them so long
You begin to get comfortable
And forget
How beautiful they are
Sometimes you have to leave
In order to learn
How much you'll miss them
And to understand
How they live in you.
- Unknown

You know the old adage, if that person is the one for you, they’ll find their way back. If they aren't then happy riddance. Things always work themselves out so don't waste your time trying to resuscitate a dead situation. Move towards the tides of your new blessings.

Make a "Dream" list.

Now that you’ve stopped talking to him and you have a little time to think, make yourself a cocktail and then a list of all the things you want in your dream partner. It's therapy, I promise. This will put a lot into perspective for you. Either you will realize your ex was tailor-made by the soulmate gods just for you or that he is probably not the person you thought you wanted or deserve (very likely the case). People love to get in their knickers about this kind of list but I strongly believe there is value in it. You will never find the perfect man but it's nice to have a reference of those non-negotiable qualities you want in a partner based on what you value. It's okay to set a standard for yourself.
N.B: do not become attached to the specifics but rather use it as a guide.

Work on Yourself (Character Check)

When our heart is lost we look for happiness in all sorts of places. Understand this: nothing outside of you will help in any lasting way. Joy is an inside job. No matter how much booze you buy, how many people you get under to get over your situation or how much therapy sessions you attend, you are the only one who can heal you. Get to the root of your grievance by doing a little introspection. There might be things about you that contributed to the demise of your relationship and since we learn the most about ourselves and others when we are uncomfortable, what are some things that keep showing up for you? Please, do not make this into a self loathing session. Instead, be really honest with yourself and make small gestures towards self-improvement. My cousin shared a quote with me that perfectly sums this up: Dont focus on who you are today but have hope in who you will become tomorrow.

If you are being honest with yourself, the person you want to be isn't compatible with the person you were dating anyway. Sometimes break-ups are a blessing in disguise since, whether unintentionally or otherwise, your ex was holding you back from seeing your greatness. Think about things in your life today that happened because of a major shift that you once thought of as negative but actually guided you to a better version of your life. Personally if my ex boyfriend didn't break up with me I wouldn't have taken a risk and move to another country after quiting a job that was slowly killing me. I didn't realise how comfortable I was with mediocrity and it really took that low point for me to see how high up I could be climbing. I know you want more for yourself so don't block your blessing baby girl, bless and release.

Listen: Thank You Next - Arianna
(you know I had to)

Make Your Life Your Focus (Visioning)

"There is a crack, a crack in everything.
That's how the light gets in." - Leonard Cohen.

Have you ever heard of Kintsugi? It's the Japanese art of fixing broken pottery with lacquer that is mixed with gold powder. Centuries ago craftsmen came up with this concept of the ”golden repair” to give new life to what many would consider worthless. Right now you may feel like what Jamaicans describe as ”mash-up” but you owe it to yourself to piece yourself back together. Things might not be perfect but that doesn't stop it from becoming beautiful again. Start filling the gaps in your life with golden action plans.

The doom and gloom is waiting to set in so you have to act quickly. Break-ups are great at robbing you of your sense of control so here's what you have to do. Get a notebook and write down all the things you don't love about your life then make a column beside that with the ideal situation (the contrast). From there create goals connected to these and draft an action plan/ road map. Treat your life like a project, identifying what needs to get done and by when then go for it! It's easy to get into pity party mode and dwell on how much your life sucks but that won't change a thing.

Fall in love with yourself

Radical self care is quantum - Anne Lamott

Usually break ups are also the ultimate self-esteem crushers and you have to be proactive about shaking this. Some women change their hair, some enrol in pole dancing and others do a wardrobe overhaul to boost their confidence. What are the things you can do to tap into your sexy? Your bounce back game is only as good as how you feel about yourself. Take the time to celebrate the queen you are and centre your crown. Since we teach people how to love us it means we have to take care of ourselves mentally and physically so feed yourself positivity, love and compassion. It sets the tone for whoever you’ll date next.

Read/ Listen:

What A Time To Be Alone - Chidera Eggerue

Create Your Own Happiness

The first step to creating happiness in your life is forgiving yourself and also your ex. Holding on the grudge that comes with a breakup usually keeps you sad for a really long time. We don't own people, we can only experience them and so if they choose to go we have to separate from our selfish desires to keep them around and be grateful for the time you had together. Still, no matter who comes and goes, you will always have yourself. As I said earlier, if your happiness is derived from an outside source, you're going to be in trouble so look within.

When was the last time you felt genuinely happy? I mean the kind of joy that really made your heart smile. This was a bit of a challenge for me. In my blog post about Self Awareness I shared that I now keep a list of things that make me happy but what I didnt say is that this came about because after my last break up I genuinely didn't remember. I spent most of my time in couple mode and lost connection with myself. I literally had to start paying attention to the little things again so every time I did, watched or ate something or went somewhere that I enjoyed I would make notes so I could invite more of those experiences in my life.

If you're struggling with this too, you might want to start taking some notes friend.

Watch: Eat Pray Love

Read: The Happiness Project - Gretchen Rubin

Go out

I work in marketing and kind of went overboard with this. At the time of my last breakup one of my main clients was an alcohol company and I made it my duty to go to every single one of their events. This was a horrible idea since it only distracted me for a few months. I don't recommend running from your emotions and partying every night. But, while post break up is a great time for reflection and introspection, you absolutely have to leave your house to get out of your head a little. Over analysing and reliving the hurt is traumatizing so venture out, link your friends, go eat at your favourite restaurant or whatever it is that will get you back into the real world and pass the drama that you're creating in your head.

FYI this doesn't mean you should go cozying up with the first person who gives you attention but you should be open to the possibility of dating again (eventually). If you stay cooped up at home you’ll never find new prospects when you're in the state of mind to accept potential suitors.

Be vulnerable

(I'm not very good at this but I'm working on it.)

Cry, get therapy and ask your friend permission to vent. Let it all out. Built up sadness/ grief is dangerous because when that pipe cracks it might never stop leaking. If you're not ready to share your pain with someone else, keep a journal, write all the things that are clouding your mind. Whatever you do, just do not keep that pain festering inside you with no medium for release. You're human, with feelings and you do not have to be okay all the time. Take your time and allow yourself to go through the motions. Everything takes time, including healing so give yourself permission to sit in that discomfort a bit. You’ll discover things about yourself that will help you the next time you decide to open your heart to someone else. Just please don't make suffering your permanent state of existence.

Decide to move on (when you're ready)

I had so many whys and felt stuck because I realized I was actually sitting waiting and hoping my old love would bring me closure. It doesn't work like that. We have to gift it to ourselves, with or without explanation of where things went wrong. You don't have control over making the person stay but you do have control over whether or not you stay in grief. Be like a Phoenix and rise again. It will be difficult at first but life goes on. You gave as much as you could but it didn't work out. Remember that you can never be too much for someone who can't get enough of you or too little for someone who sees your worth.

Listen: Khalid - Coaster

The main reason a breakup is so hard is that it disrupts life as we know it. We usually plan life around our partner and so its hard to readjust. Those first few weeks or month (even years for some of us) will suck because we can't go back to what we know. But look at it as an opportunity. Life happens for us and even though we might not understand it in the moment, we have to believe that this setback is a set up for something major.

I think I'll close with this video about the Relationship with the Unknown on Impact Theory with Tom Bilyeu: https://youtu.be/La9oLLoI5Rc (I HIGHLY RECOMMEND THIS.)

until next time......

Do Good, Dress Well

xTAR

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A few months ago Facebook and Instagram feeds were flooded with 10 Year Challenge enthusiast proudly showing off their ”glow up” or lack there of for some (lol). I decided to sit that one out *cue insecure Isabella*but that story is for another blog post. Anyhow, after much thought, I realized that no photo could do justice to the most significant differentiator between my 18-year-old self and the woman I'm coming into today, that being self-awareness.

2009 was a rough year. I got the chicken pox three weeks before my sixth form graduation and if the itchy blisters and alarmingly high fever wasn't enough, the marks that remained were a taste of humble-pie that no 18 years old girl could acquire. I was waitlisted for the program I really wanted to enrol in and ended up matriculating in the most random degree the University had to offer just so I wasn't left behind by my peers. Then, after 6 months of dating who I endearingly will refer to as HellBoy, I broke off a verbally abusive relationship. Of course, he was the first person I saw when I stepped into my first lecture for the year. And, among other undesirable things, my struggles with acne was confirmed to be cystic/hormonal aka the worst kind and thence, first year university life was a party, on my face, a pity party in my head and all around Project X type mess -read disaster-.

Fast forward to 2019. I turned 28 years old on February 20 with not one chicken pox battle scar in sight though I am still struggling with cystic acne. And, besides the whole single bit, everything else has changed. Dr. Joe Dispenza said "Knowledge is power but self-knowledge is empowerment" which I believe is the best explanation for my slow but steady transformation. I didn't know myself 10 years ago. Almost all of my actions and thoughts came about through proximity to someone or something else and rarely originated within me. I had an incredible appetite for acceptance and even stronger propensity for people pleasing. Unfortunately, this meant that being likeable concerned me more than being in integrity with myself.

Ten years ago I also wasn't attuned to the frequency of my intuition and didn't understand that I had the ability to create the life that I wanted. I didn't read books beyond the demands of my degree, didn't know meditation was a thing and surely never set a single goal much less had a vision for my life. My life and purview were limited. Back then life was happening TO me. I took what I got and settled for any blessing that fell in my lap.

Except, I always knew somewhere at the back of my mind that this approach wasn't going to cut it. I didn't feel fulfilled but also, I didn't know where to start to make a change. In retrospect, I lacked clarity. Because I didn't know what I wanted from life, I accepted anything and didn't know when or why to say yes (or no). I wasn't aware for example that I am a 7 (Joyful Person) on the Enneagram which pretty much means the state of happiness is the one thing I value most. Learning little things like this was transformational.

You might be wondering what I'm getting at so, let me explain. I had a lot of pent up anger in university and most of it was directed at myself. I just didn't understand why I couldn't make myself do things, things that others were doing that I believed would get me ahead. I was always ready to give up on anything (people included) who seemed to suck the happiness out of my life which is not unusual for an Ennegram Style 7. We avoid pain and discomfort to maintain happiness but as you would imagine, this isn't always healthy. To no surprise after years of this misunderstanding of self, I developed destructive patterns of procrastination and giving into instant gratification that ultimately made me feel stuck. It was only through my awareness of what truly motivates me I was able to manage myself better and form new habits for success. This started with first creating a vision for my life which didn't come easy at first but gave me the ability to focus on the things that I needed to do for myself rather than on what anyone else was doing. So, all of this to say, we cannot change that which we do not understand. Self-awareness helps you to tap into your confidence and improves esteem so that you can actualize your greatness. Therefore, we have to achieve a sense of mastery from within before we can figure out anything else.

Wherever it is you want to be in life, the reality is that it is not where you are right now. Imagine today going somewhere for the first time and not having Google Maps app or any other GPS tool for reference. My guess is that even if you do end up finding it at all, you'll take a lot longer, stopping at intervals for directions and probably make more wrong turns than you'd like. Self-Awareness is the Google Maps of your life. It allows you to find your current coordinates so that you can map your path to your future self without having to rely heavily on external forces. And most importantly, it provides the clarity you need to avoid dead ends. It is choosing to be lead by knowledge rather than anything else.

Personally, I am no where near who I want to be but I know I am "becoming". I still struggle through a lot, but admittedly, being able to check in with myself and analyze the things that serve me or otherwise have changed my attitude and overall mindset. It's all a process and I'm growing and learning each day. And, I hope that you are too.

Here are a few ways I go about bootstrapping my efforts that might be useful to you or someone you know:

Assess

Psychometric Tests: I've done about 5 of these tests but there are a bunch of others available online. I highly recommend them, especially the Enneagram ($10) and the 16 Personalities (free). These two were freakishly on point and so I reference them often, particularly the blind spots/ weaknesses for guidance. Don't be dissuaded if it doesn't connect with you 100%. Focus on the stuff that resonates.

Ask for Feedback: Sometimes you might not be fully aware of how you're showing up so call on the people closest to you. Ask for example, "what are some of the things you love about me" and "what are the things can I improve on". Do this with an open mind and avoid getting defensive. Ensure these are people you can count on to be honest with you so that you feel comfortable knowing that any criticism is coming from a place of love.

Pay Attention: Whether or not you believe this to be true, we are emotional creatures. As such, we must pay close attention to the things that make us tick, for better or worse. How do you typically respond? Why did you respond in a certain manner? Are you okay with this feeling?

Document:

Journal: This is the immediate next step after paying attention to your responses. You have to write them down. Even if you're not much of a writer, journaling allows you to get out of your head a bit and brings your awareness to the patterns that are particularly toxic so you can start addressing them.

Log Your Faves: I know this might seem silly to some people but I keep a note in my iPhone with 'I like" followed by a list of all the things that bring me joy. I have a list of songs, food, places, things and even people. It might seem simple but it is a constant reminder of the who/what I need to keep in my space more often.

Reprogram:

Change Your Self Talk: show yourself some love! Write down your own or seek out affirmations to recite daily to create a new script for your life. We are what we believe and we manifest the things we repeatedly say so ensure you are speaking life and joy into being.

I hope this helps, even a little bit. It's no magic bullet but its a start at living your life in a more authentic way, one that requires no validation from anyone else. I remember a few years ago telling my ex boyfriend that he was the best thing to happen to me. Now, looking back, losing him was actually the best thing since it was the only way I could happen to myself. We all need to "happen to" ourselves. We each have a unique purpose and are beautiful in our own way. Once we see that spark in ourselves, there is nothing we cannot do or achieve. Get to know yourself. Get to know your worth.

I'll close with this: "When no one is liking you, do you like yourself?" - Chidera Eggerue (The SlumFlower)

until next time......

Do Good, Dress Well

xTAR

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